We all put everyone in a box based on what boxes they check. Those are apparently what defines a person. Male, Female, married/single/divorced, choose race...the one that always cracks me up on that one is other/non-hispanic...what is that even suppose to mean....I am any other race, just not hispanic...what does that have to do with anything? The list goes on and on, but you catch my drift. Maybe that's all fine and dandy...the scientic "gathering data" portion so that something can be accuarately quanitfied, defined, so that theories can be formed and tested and proven. There are probably plenty of people who are happy having those characteristics define them. I am sure they are. There are others, like me, who don't.
We all have goals and want to check boxes off at some point in our lifes, regarding marital status, education level, income level, age group, whatever. Those boxes all hopefully change over ones life course, because if none of them ever changed, that would mean you're complacent, non-progressive. Checked boxes become the medium for which we decide whether we even want to know someone, or read, or engage, or hear. We all do it. All of the social networking makes that the norm these days. Online matchmaking will compare our checked boxes and match them for us! Yippee! Let's not waste time getting to know someone.
There are people who are happy to put it all out there. They have nothing to lose by just being themselves. Those people are what I like to call single and childless, and if they're not, then selfish fits. Let me explain, the reality is that no one wants to know everything about your life, unless they find you to be interesting. The status updates, the location functions, great, we really can know what goes on in everyone's life every moment of the day. To each his own. If you are updating your status every two seconds and you have people always responding...good for you. If crickets chirp...take it as a sign, post less. You've probably been hidden from so many of your friends feeds who, while they might like you just fine, don't want to know all your everything. When you have children, a spouse, or someone you've appropriately put into the "significant other" box, with the requisite "linking" whether you like or not, your actions reflect on them. That is a reality of society. It just is. For me to say/do something publicly and have it be misinterpreted by someone who knows my son's friend and to risk having my son's friend tell my son what so and so and so thinks of his mother, is a reality. Yet, I need to be able to express myself and how I feel, I need outlets. I choose them wisely. It is pretty selfish for me to think that I can go in and state my mind whenever I like, however I like and think that it's not possibly going to reflect on my son when his math teacher hears it, and forms a judgement and opinion. Discretion is warranted when you decide to share your life with others. It's a reflection. You cannot worry about what others think, regarding your opinions, but neither can you control how they will spin it. The medium with which you spew your rhetoric ideally would be carefully selected, is my only point, as a courtesy for those who are "linked" to you.
For me, I am not going to totally let you know everything that's on my mind, unless you know me well enough that I feel you won't misconstrue and pass it along and misrepresent me. I have friends that don't like nitty gritty, I have other friends who do, I adjust accordingly, out of respect. To put something out there for people to take as they may is a perogative. You need to be prepared both for the misunderstandings, and the agreeing. You need to choose to explain, re-explain (or NOT) yourself and what you said. I can't be bothered. I'm not explaining myself to anyone who hasn't demonstrated a genuine interest, or desire to understand, and then only if I want to. Neither do I want to put my children in a position of having to defend me or my beliefs while I am teaching them to form their own.
Getting to know someone is a process. It takes time. Do I admire those who put it all out there? Do you want me to? Should I? If you're interesting and your perspective is engaging enough, I probably will admire, and respect, and comment, and respond...isn't that what you put it out there for? Otherwise, I don't really admire it, and can't because it doesn't call to me, what you're saying is not speaking to me, is not engaging to me, and may seem stupid to me...in fact, you may seem stupid to me, so I can't say that I won't form an opinon of you based on what YOU put out there for me to interpret as I will. So what, who cares? You shouldn't care or base what you put out on what any one person thinks, or doesn't think...but if no one cares, and if you're putting things out there that aren't getting the response you want, maybe you're innundating people and maybe you limit the posts/rants/whatever to a list of people who seem to care about those deets. As for the rest of us...well, we really just wanted to say "hi" that we have to keep you as our friend to not be rude, is well, just the way it works. It doesn't mean we want to know it all.
My point is we're missing something when we don't seek someone out. When we don't take the time to look beyond the checked boxes, when we form opinions and make decisions knowing very little more. The beautiful thing about every person is that they are layered. They have attributes and things to offer in relationships (all kinds) that can't be seen by the checked boxes. People don't like being shoved into a box that doesn't fit...then they look like that ridiculously contrived gift wrap job, rather than the package that they are, with the wrapping paper of their choosing and maybe a bow, maybe ribbon, maybe no finishing touches...maybe they're not finished yet, maybe they need to change the wrap because it didn't truly represent them, or the bow was not their style. You'll never get to see what's inside, and if it's worthwhile until you look beyond the checked boxes, beyond the label. Not every greeting card is the same, and not everyone likes the box that people want to put them in.
Are those things a good indicator if a person is worth knowing? Only if a certain set of qualifiers is most important to you. If that's all that matters to you, then smart of you to check those boxes first. If that philosophy keeps leaving you alone wanting more depth in your relationships, maybe you engage with those that appeal to you, before knowing all their qualifiers. Maybe life and relationships are not to be taken as an interview with only those with the appropriate screening critieria green lighted to move onto the interview. Maybe you give them a chance without knowing every superficial fact or detail and realize that there's a story (not necessarily an overly dramatic one) that makes sense and makes you see that box that you shoved them in because it didn't seem like anything you should concern yourself with really was illfitting, and what was inside was worth getting to know. Or let the facts define them, as I am sure they completely encompass you.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Honesty does not mean drama free....unfortunatley!
Sometimes when people have been lied to too many times, they crave complete and total honesty. Because to them (me) it becomes apparent that anything less gives false hope, and false sense of security. Complete honesty is better because you know the truth and then your mind can wrap it's brain around the truth and deal with things in a straightforward fashion based on that, which seems like it would also eliminate the drama because you cut to the chase, the heart of the matter, get right at it, right? I WISH! But, sadly, no, and I'll tell you why.
What is drama in the sense that we use it today? Posing, over-reacting, acting: creating Shakespearean masterpiece theater out of a greasy bucket of KFC. Why infuse drama? Specifically to NOT deal with life's harsh realities. Drama creates an issue thats more interesting, exciting, non-true than what it actually is, thereby avoiding the issue entirely. The issue remains unsolved and you expended a lot of energy on nonsense. It is stupid and pointless but so many people thrive on it, while professing they don't.
The problem comes back to perspective. Giving creedence to the adage that "it's all about perspective.". What one person perceives as straightforward, and genuine, possibly even thoughtful. Another can perceive as rude, mean, and thoughtless. That's perspective. I was talking to a friend of mine, who, you know, is fat. Were good friends. We speak openly and honesty about everything. She tells me about an out of the blue phone call from old boyfriend. He said he just called to give her closure because his therapist reccommended that he would not be able to move forward without dealing with his guilt. Okay, sounds honorable enough, he really was an ass to her, so okay...I'm listening and respecting all of it, until I hear her start to say that he said she was "the best ever, and it just really messed him up." Huh? I looked at her and thought to myself, honesty was working....she knows that's bullshit, right? She doesn't want to let him get away with that, does she? So, in my clouded judgement I clarify, because it almost seemed like she was buying it:
"Wait. You told him you knew he was full of shit, right? I mean what's the point of therapy if he thinks the solution is to lie his way out it?". Oops, she bought his load of shit: "What is he lying about!? The sex was FANTASTIC!" Hmmmm. Okay. Now, I am not oversimplifying, but their relationship was NOT very sexual. They got along great and talked a lot, but they only had sex twice and the second (and last) time she told him she didn't want to "do" certain things that he did. Then he suddenly was MIA. Ding! Ding! Ding! The clear reason why he jumped ship like a cowardice was because the carrot she was dangling WASN'T the payoff he'd been seeking. I call him a cowardice because he went into
it with my friend knowing what she was wanting and professing the same, then offering no explanation when he just vanished...after that "magical" second night of sex so wonderful his fantasies were shot down. If were going to accept being lied to...shouldn't it at least make sense?
I get it, women want to think that they are the only ones who can do or will be able to do it for this guy physically. In that moment pre during and post coital, theres a euphoria that makes us feel fantastic...assuming we could "O" that is. That's why we all love sex, well, the majority of us do anyway. But, we all come away, if we need to examine it more in depth at least where we realize he can do that to himself, right? That we actually are the preferred receptacle for their seman (encased in latex as it may be), but that other than be a great combination of attractive attributes, whatever they may be, guys can and will generally find someone to do what we won't. And that they put up with whatever non-attractive attributes we all also possess only when we both 1) have nice attributes that outweigh the bad, and 2) allow them to do freaky shit. If you don't have both, your guy might hang around, but he's still wanting an outlet for the freaky shit. If you have both, he'll probably think your golden, at least for awhile...LOL!
So, I digress...with this conversation with my friend, I assumed that the above stated REALITY is known by all of us who've reached a certain age, which I have reached and therefore assumed that she had reached that awareness before me. Well, she hadn't, or at least she chose not to accept it, and chooses to continue thinking that her larger than life attitude, and appeal was THE BOMB in bed, even if she didn't want to entertain his freaky side. He cut his losses, he wasn't that invested in her when the iron curtain came crashing down, and had told her it was not that big of a deal....because, well, he avoided drama on that one. Then he proceeded to avoid her like the plague. It seems so clear....yet she wants to think that he "left" because the sex was so intense that it threw him for a loop. Uh. He's a man. Intense sex...that's a hoop he'd jump through and then turn around and keep jump through as long as the intensity is there. Who gives up great sex voluntarily? How great is the sex when the creativity takes a dive before it even gets underway?
This is my point. Some of us WANT to lie to ourselves. We just do. We view ourselves in a certain way, we stack our personality blocks as we see fit, and in a way that seems sturdy and aesthetically pleasing so that we can function. But if someone blows to hard and knocks a block down, we think it's all going to come tumbling down. Blocks=self perception=self esteem. So we say, it wasn't the way my blocks were stacked...the wind was just stronger than normal. The way I stacked my blocks was fine, you know maybe there was a tornado down south and it created this weird sort of pressure system that dissipated over the ocean except for one extra powerful gust, that effected no one else, just me....so bizarre, right!?"
Being honest with yourself doesn't mean always readjusting your blocks into a different design, your blocks could be fine...maybe you just need some mortar (standing up for yourself and your values) to strengthen your design. Or maybe you should chip some mortar away to get rid of air pockets that are creating a weak spot in your design, and see that it's maybe not the right design for you (sticking to your guns when it's not really that important, just to
be obstinate and refuse to admit a flaw). Not embracing reality and not being willing to take a step back and look at your self causes drama. Because you're not trying to find the truth, you're just putting your name behind something you haven't taken the time to examine, because you're too afraid that there will be flaws found. Maybe it's not all the other persons fault. It almost never is. It could be no ones fault just a misunderstanding of how things fit. Or it could be that his dumb ass doesn't want the design you have. Why is that so bad? Why do we feel so bad if people don't want us, accept us, or agree with us? Just because we were open to all of that for them? Why do we have to rationalize and make excuses for such a simple, matter of fact reality. You might be beautiful in every aspect of the definition of the word, but
still, that doesn't you'll be everyone's cup of tea. And you wouldn't want to. We all know several guys that we would PREFER didn't want us (unfortunately those are usually the ones that want us the most..LOL, but that's a different topic entirely).
I'm taking about more than just romance. Opinions, thoughts, feelings, style, WHATEVER! Being honest with what is your perception and what is the other persons can allow you tom see the real truth, and accept it for what it is. We all wish truth came in a prettier package, but it often is truly ugly. We've all seen someone ugly tryin' to be pretty...and we know "that ain't pretty." That's drama. Whether what you think you said was rude or not, if the other person interpreted it that way, there will be drama. Were you being rude? If the answer is genuinely no. Then you're good...you can do nothing and deal with dramatic fallout, or you can acknowledge that there was malice behind it, and simply apologize for being rude. Or you can honestly say, "I was trying to be honest, I didn't mean it the way you took it. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt." You can be honest and sensetive/acknowledging without taking it back! If it's truly how you feel you shouldn't take it back allows the other person to validate what may very well be a skewed thought process (i.e., my friend, him letting her believe that the sex was so amazing, when the reality is that it wasn't going the direction he wanted....so she walks around thinking that she's such the bomb that it's become her curse? RIDICULOUS!). It's not up to you to get them to change it, but you can deal with less drama in your life by being honest with them, they can choose how/if they deal with it.
I will continue to advocate for a drama free existence. But in reality, that will never happen. I'll do my part to curb the amount I'll deal with at least. Because I don't want to lie to myself and live in an unrealistic fantasy. I am what I am, and I will never acheive more if all I do is make excuses that won't allow me to evolve as a person. I would much rather have someone tell me. You know what, you're not what I am craving. You're too fat, your stretch marks, your whatever is just not something I can deal with. As rude as that may seem. What's the alternative, that I think I'm okay in his eyes and have him holding back vomit? God, I cannot imagine a worse way to live life than to be with someone who's settling for me. I have tried settling for someone and it's miserable, and unfair, we all deserve to be loved and respected for who
we are, without that, loneliness is only as lonely as you make it.
What is drama in the sense that we use it today? Posing, over-reacting, acting: creating Shakespearean masterpiece theater out of a greasy bucket of KFC. Why infuse drama? Specifically to NOT deal with life's harsh realities. Drama creates an issue thats more interesting, exciting, non-true than what it actually is, thereby avoiding the issue entirely. The issue remains unsolved and you expended a lot of energy on nonsense. It is stupid and pointless but so many people thrive on it, while professing they don't.
The problem comes back to perspective. Giving creedence to the adage that "it's all about perspective.". What one person perceives as straightforward, and genuine, possibly even thoughtful. Another can perceive as rude, mean, and thoughtless. That's perspective. I was talking to a friend of mine, who, you know, is fat. Were good friends. We speak openly and honesty about everything. She tells me about an out of the blue phone call from old boyfriend. He said he just called to give her closure because his therapist reccommended that he would not be able to move forward without dealing with his guilt. Okay, sounds honorable enough, he really was an ass to her, so okay...I'm listening and respecting all of it, until I hear her start to say that he said she was "the best ever, and it just really messed him up." Huh? I looked at her and thought to myself, honesty was working....she knows that's bullshit, right? She doesn't want to let him get away with that, does she? So, in my clouded judgement I clarify, because it almost seemed like she was buying it:
"Wait. You told him you knew he was full of shit, right? I mean what's the point of therapy if he thinks the solution is to lie his way out it?". Oops, she bought his load of shit: "What is he lying about!? The sex was FANTASTIC!" Hmmmm. Okay. Now, I am not oversimplifying, but their relationship was NOT very sexual. They got along great and talked a lot, but they only had sex twice and the second (and last) time she told him she didn't want to "do" certain things that he did. Then he suddenly was MIA. Ding! Ding! Ding! The clear reason why he jumped ship like a cowardice was because the carrot she was dangling WASN'T the payoff he'd been seeking. I call him a cowardice because he went into
it with my friend knowing what she was wanting and professing the same, then offering no explanation when he just vanished...after that "magical" second night of sex so wonderful his fantasies were shot down. If were going to accept being lied to...shouldn't it at least make sense?
I get it, women want to think that they are the only ones who can do or will be able to do it for this guy physically. In that moment pre during and post coital, theres a euphoria that makes us feel fantastic...assuming we could "O" that is. That's why we all love sex, well, the majority of us do anyway. But, we all come away, if we need to examine it more in depth at least where we realize he can do that to himself, right? That we actually are the preferred receptacle for their seman (encased in latex as it may be), but that other than be a great combination of attractive attributes, whatever they may be, guys can and will generally find someone to do what we won't. And that they put up with whatever non-attractive attributes we all also possess only when we both 1) have nice attributes that outweigh the bad, and 2) allow them to do freaky shit. If you don't have both, your guy might hang around, but he's still wanting an outlet for the freaky shit. If you have both, he'll probably think your golden, at least for awhile...LOL!
So, I digress...with this conversation with my friend, I assumed that the above stated REALITY is known by all of us who've reached a certain age, which I have reached and therefore assumed that she had reached that awareness before me. Well, she hadn't, or at least she chose not to accept it, and chooses to continue thinking that her larger than life attitude, and appeal was THE BOMB in bed, even if she didn't want to entertain his freaky side. He cut his losses, he wasn't that invested in her when the iron curtain came crashing down, and had told her it was not that big of a deal....because, well, he avoided drama on that one. Then he proceeded to avoid her like the plague. It seems so clear....yet she wants to think that he "left" because the sex was so intense that it threw him for a loop. Uh. He's a man. Intense sex...that's a hoop he'd jump through and then turn around and keep jump through as long as the intensity is there. Who gives up great sex voluntarily? How great is the sex when the creativity takes a dive before it even gets underway?
This is my point. Some of us WANT to lie to ourselves. We just do. We view ourselves in a certain way, we stack our personality blocks as we see fit, and in a way that seems sturdy and aesthetically pleasing so that we can function. But if someone blows to hard and knocks a block down, we think it's all going to come tumbling down. Blocks=self perception=self esteem. So we say, it wasn't the way my blocks were stacked...the wind was just stronger than normal. The way I stacked my blocks was fine, you know maybe there was a tornado down south and it created this weird sort of pressure system that dissipated over the ocean except for one extra powerful gust, that effected no one else, just me....so bizarre, right!?"
Being honest with yourself doesn't mean always readjusting your blocks into a different design, your blocks could be fine...maybe you just need some mortar (standing up for yourself and your values) to strengthen your design. Or maybe you should chip some mortar away to get rid of air pockets that are creating a weak spot in your design, and see that it's maybe not the right design for you (sticking to your guns when it's not really that important, just to
be obstinate and refuse to admit a flaw). Not embracing reality and not being willing to take a step back and look at your self causes drama. Because you're not trying to find the truth, you're just putting your name behind something you haven't taken the time to examine, because you're too afraid that there will be flaws found. Maybe it's not all the other persons fault. It almost never is. It could be no ones fault just a misunderstanding of how things fit. Or it could be that his dumb ass doesn't want the design you have. Why is that so bad? Why do we feel so bad if people don't want us, accept us, or agree with us? Just because we were open to all of that for them? Why do we have to rationalize and make excuses for such a simple, matter of fact reality. You might be beautiful in every aspect of the definition of the word, but
still, that doesn't you'll be everyone's cup of tea. And you wouldn't want to. We all know several guys that we would PREFER didn't want us (unfortunately those are usually the ones that want us the most..LOL, but that's a different topic entirely).
I'm taking about more than just romance. Opinions, thoughts, feelings, style, WHATEVER! Being honest with what is your perception and what is the other persons can allow you tom see the real truth, and accept it for what it is. We all wish truth came in a prettier package, but it often is truly ugly. We've all seen someone ugly tryin' to be pretty...and we know "that ain't pretty." That's drama. Whether what you think you said was rude or not, if the other person interpreted it that way, there will be drama. Were you being rude? If the answer is genuinely no. Then you're good...you can do nothing and deal with dramatic fallout, or you can acknowledge that there was malice behind it, and simply apologize for being rude. Or you can honestly say, "I was trying to be honest, I didn't mean it the way you took it. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt." You can be honest and sensetive/acknowledging without taking it back! If it's truly how you feel you shouldn't take it back allows the other person to validate what may very well be a skewed thought process (i.e., my friend, him letting her believe that the sex was so amazing, when the reality is that it wasn't going the direction he wanted....so she walks around thinking that she's such the bomb that it's become her curse? RIDICULOUS!). It's not up to you to get them to change it, but you can deal with less drama in your life by being honest with them, they can choose how/if they deal with it.
I will continue to advocate for a drama free existence. But in reality, that will never happen. I'll do my part to curb the amount I'll deal with at least. Because I don't want to lie to myself and live in an unrealistic fantasy. I am what I am, and I will never acheive more if all I do is make excuses that won't allow me to evolve as a person. I would much rather have someone tell me. You know what, you're not what I am craving. You're too fat, your stretch marks, your whatever is just not something I can deal with. As rude as that may seem. What's the alternative, that I think I'm okay in his eyes and have him holding back vomit? God, I cannot imagine a worse way to live life than to be with someone who's settling for me. I have tried settling for someone and it's miserable, and unfair, we all deserve to be loved and respected for who
we are, without that, loneliness is only as lonely as you make it.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Ignorance
I feel pretty stupid even doing this blog because I'm using it as an outlet to say everything I feel I can't say otherwise. But last night was a case in point, what do you do with feelings and opinions that you have no outlet for?
I'm trying hard to engage as minimally as possible in things (people) that frustrate me, but because of my circumstance I'm forced to listen to Bill O'Reilly as I get ready for bed. The name of his show is the "the no spin zone". Yet, the whole show is nothing but his spin on stuff. So, because my little girl started waking up when I came in to change and I started to snuggle her, I asked her father to please turn it off so she didn't wake up and stay awake. He wouldn't. His contention holds some water. He was watching it and she didn't start to wake up until I came in and started to change. But in my glorious irrationality, I'll go ahead and blame Bill for waking her up! LOL
I couldn't help myself though, I broke my rule and I Engaged.
"Why on earth do you watch this moron, again?" I say while simultaneousy putting a hand over my daughters ears and patting her back to get her back to sleep, deciding to engage beyond what's immediately relevant.
Here we go. He proceeds to goon and on about how he agrees with his side more than Democrats. He's sick of working and paying taxes for all of his money to go to the poor people of Bridgeport that elected governor Malloy, and now money gets taken out of his check and goes to them, because that's how Malloy will thank them.
What?! He's a smart man. Partly because it reminds me of our incredibly dysfunctional relationship, that he neither knows me at all nor listens to anything that I say, partly because he's the father of two of my children and I don't want them hearing this nonsense, but mostly because he's perpetuating the biggest problem in our country. Ignorance.
Making blanket statements about a whole socio-economic class and what they value IS ignorant. Of course he got hung up on that word and refused to hear anything else I said. But, that's normal. He says, "you know what I meant". No, I don't. How could I? Have I ever seen him around "poor people"? No, I haven't. Welfare is not the problem. Are there people to try to milk the system. Of course. Many could draw straws about who doesn't. How many people "overestimate" their charitable contribution on their taxes? Many who share his opinions decide that last years taxes should count toward that.
I don't mean to oversimplify. I truly am an Independent, neither republican or democrat. I feel that they're equally on opposite sides of the spectrum, and then too often equally neutral on the issues that need to be addressed...a person who is milking the system is in the wrong. But there are not so many of them that they are what's raising taxes. Connecticut is the "tax you to death" state...all residents would agree. But, just as I said in my last post these extreme journalists perpetuate this ignorance. I have a better knowledge of government programs than the average person for sure, as I worked in that industry. However, you don't need any specialized training to educate yourself or at least be aware that if you have not been there..if you have not been raised on welfare, or been a recipient that you have no right to generalize or speculate about how those people think, feel, or view their circumstances...which are as varied as you and your neighbors.
These programs...not just welfare, but other programs that are designed to educate, and improve the ability of those in dire circumstances to rise above and both create and want more for themselves....are not perfect but at the core are designed to be temporary. There are many, who like yours truly have used them in just that way. When I was very young my Dad fell off the roof at his job and was in a wheelchair. Thanks to government programs, he was able to go back to school and gain some education that allowed him to improve his work situation. He did this in order to qualify for the help that he needed in order to make ends meet for his young family. He went back to work before he was healed since he was going to school and was able to see a desk in his work situation. Should my Mom have had to go back to work and leave my wheelchair bound father to care for an infant and a two year old? Today that's what would have been required, but back then it was allowed and accepted for a parent to be at home with the kids....the system has changed since then. The other time in my life that I was on assistance that I can remember was when I was working on my degree, had four kids, AND decided to get a divorce. Yes, all of it was my fault. I am not blaming my situation on anyone other than my own messed up mentality, and my ex-husband. Oh, she was on welfare!? No, I wasn't. Because I was able to get child support garnished from my deadhead ex. If you can get child support, you don't qualify for assistance. And you have to give them info, they'll get it for you. If you can't get it (for whatever reason, the state will do everything they can to try to find him) you are only able to qualify for 36 months of assistance lifetime max...that applies for both you and your kids. If you received welfare from ages 3-6, and you need it when you're older, you cant get it. The idea behind this Clinton passed guideline is that it's temporary. You can't live off of assistance. It's not enough. My child support for four kids was $656. My qualifiable assistance amount? $639. Most people get more than that for less kids with child support and can't make it. Because I had already gotten two years of school done I was able to qualify for a program to help me get my bachelors (normally this would be for an associates...hardly enough education to do much with, but the point is to get a skill to better your situation. Did I get paid to go to school? No. Did I get my tuition paid for? No. I did get $2500 from a Pell Grant that helped with my tuition. But I have student loans for the rest. The program paid for my daycare costs while I went to work and school, I had to continue full time at school to qualify, and had to work at least 20 hours a week. Ironically, and most people are smarter than me and have less kids (though some have more...just had to out that out there...lol). My daycare costs were more than my income and child support combined. And that's with only after school care for two of them.
My point is that these programs don't make anybody rich. They are designed to be temporary, and they have all kinds of rules, regulations, and documentation requirements, and full disclosure to qualify for. Do some people find ways around these and cheat the system. Of course. But some people rob banks too. To say that these few who work that hard to be lazy and get not enough money to live on are the entire problem is like saying you have to pay interest at your bank just to cover these robberies. Let's educate ourselves. I am a contributing member of society. I am self sufficient, and debt free (except my mortgage and my student loans...of course). These programs need to be monitored and try to catch those people who are cheating, and they are. This is tax money too.
While I am grateful that the under a year assistance that my father received when I was a baby helped him to move my family from working class to middle class. And I am grateful forth daycare assistance I received for 16 months so I could get my degree to better allow me to support my family. I was forced to live on a very tight budget, which taught me to be responsible with my money. I refuse to pay interest on silly things like credit card debt. I live within my means, and that, in this day and age is an education that many who never were on assistance still haven't learned...and that is truly the biggest financial crisis in our country today. Perspective is key and before you try to make a point by making ignorant statements like "inner-city poor people just get all the money and don't care that we break our backs and get nothing in return for them to get a hand out". Do yourself, and the future generation you're raising that is hearing you spout off, a favor and take a drive through the inner-city and find out about those programs and their requirements for qualification. Educate yourself! Don't just be dismissive of an entire group of people, first understand that you likely have no real life understanding of their circumstances. And you have no understanding at all of the programs that exist.
I'm trying hard to engage as minimally as possible in things (people) that frustrate me, but because of my circumstance I'm forced to listen to Bill O'Reilly as I get ready for bed. The name of his show is the "the no spin zone". Yet, the whole show is nothing but his spin on stuff. So, because my little girl started waking up when I came in to change and I started to snuggle her, I asked her father to please turn it off so she didn't wake up and stay awake. He wouldn't. His contention holds some water. He was watching it and she didn't start to wake up until I came in and started to change. But in my glorious irrationality, I'll go ahead and blame Bill for waking her up! LOL
I couldn't help myself though, I broke my rule and I Engaged.
"Why on earth do you watch this moron, again?" I say while simultaneousy putting a hand over my daughters ears and patting her back to get her back to sleep, deciding to engage beyond what's immediately relevant.
Here we go. He proceeds to goon and on about how he agrees with his side more than Democrats. He's sick of working and paying taxes for all of his money to go to the poor people of Bridgeport that elected governor Malloy, and now money gets taken out of his check and goes to them, because that's how Malloy will thank them.
What?! He's a smart man. Partly because it reminds me of our incredibly dysfunctional relationship, that he neither knows me at all nor listens to anything that I say, partly because he's the father of two of my children and I don't want them hearing this nonsense, but mostly because he's perpetuating the biggest problem in our country. Ignorance.
Making blanket statements about a whole socio-economic class and what they value IS ignorant. Of course he got hung up on that word and refused to hear anything else I said. But, that's normal. He says, "you know what I meant". No, I don't. How could I? Have I ever seen him around "poor people"? No, I haven't. Welfare is not the problem. Are there people to try to milk the system. Of course. Many could draw straws about who doesn't. How many people "overestimate" their charitable contribution on their taxes? Many who share his opinions decide that last years taxes should count toward that.
I don't mean to oversimplify. I truly am an Independent, neither republican or democrat. I feel that they're equally on opposite sides of the spectrum, and then too often equally neutral on the issues that need to be addressed...a person who is milking the system is in the wrong. But there are not so many of them that they are what's raising taxes. Connecticut is the "tax you to death" state...all residents would agree. But, just as I said in my last post these extreme journalists perpetuate this ignorance. I have a better knowledge of government programs than the average person for sure, as I worked in that industry. However, you don't need any specialized training to educate yourself or at least be aware that if you have not been there..if you have not been raised on welfare, or been a recipient that you have no right to generalize or speculate about how those people think, feel, or view their circumstances...which are as varied as you and your neighbors.
These programs...not just welfare, but other programs that are designed to educate, and improve the ability of those in dire circumstances to rise above and both create and want more for themselves....are not perfect but at the core are designed to be temporary. There are many, who like yours truly have used them in just that way. When I was very young my Dad fell off the roof at his job and was in a wheelchair. Thanks to government programs, he was able to go back to school and gain some education that allowed him to improve his work situation. He did this in order to qualify for the help that he needed in order to make ends meet for his young family. He went back to work before he was healed since he was going to school and was able to see a desk in his work situation. Should my Mom have had to go back to work and leave my wheelchair bound father to care for an infant and a two year old? Today that's what would have been required, but back then it was allowed and accepted for a parent to be at home with the kids....the system has changed since then. The other time in my life that I was on assistance that I can remember was when I was working on my degree, had four kids, AND decided to get a divorce. Yes, all of it was my fault. I am not blaming my situation on anyone other than my own messed up mentality, and my ex-husband. Oh, she was on welfare!? No, I wasn't. Because I was able to get child support garnished from my deadhead ex. If you can get child support, you don't qualify for assistance. And you have to give them info, they'll get it for you. If you can't get it (for whatever reason, the state will do everything they can to try to find him) you are only able to qualify for 36 months of assistance lifetime max...that applies for both you and your kids. If you received welfare from ages 3-6, and you need it when you're older, you cant get it. The idea behind this Clinton passed guideline is that it's temporary. You can't live off of assistance. It's not enough. My child support for four kids was $656. My qualifiable assistance amount? $639. Most people get more than that for less kids with child support and can't make it. Because I had already gotten two years of school done I was able to qualify for a program to help me get my bachelors (normally this would be for an associates...hardly enough education to do much with, but the point is to get a skill to better your situation. Did I get paid to go to school? No. Did I get my tuition paid for? No. I did get $2500 from a Pell Grant that helped with my tuition. But I have student loans for the rest. The program paid for my daycare costs while I went to work and school, I had to continue full time at school to qualify, and had to work at least 20 hours a week. Ironically, and most people are smarter than me and have less kids (though some have more...just had to out that out there...lol). My daycare costs were more than my income and child support combined. And that's with only after school care for two of them.
My point is that these programs don't make anybody rich. They are designed to be temporary, and they have all kinds of rules, regulations, and documentation requirements, and full disclosure to qualify for. Do some people find ways around these and cheat the system. Of course. But some people rob banks too. To say that these few who work that hard to be lazy and get not enough money to live on are the entire problem is like saying you have to pay interest at your bank just to cover these robberies. Let's educate ourselves. I am a contributing member of society. I am self sufficient, and debt free (except my mortgage and my student loans...of course). These programs need to be monitored and try to catch those people who are cheating, and they are. This is tax money too.
While I am grateful that the under a year assistance that my father received when I was a baby helped him to move my family from working class to middle class. And I am grateful forth daycare assistance I received for 16 months so I could get my degree to better allow me to support my family. I was forced to live on a very tight budget, which taught me to be responsible with my money. I refuse to pay interest on silly things like credit card debt. I live within my means, and that, in this day and age is an education that many who never were on assistance still haven't learned...and that is truly the biggest financial crisis in our country today. Perspective is key and before you try to make a point by making ignorant statements like "inner-city poor people just get all the money and don't care that we break our backs and get nothing in return for them to get a hand out". Do yourself, and the future generation you're raising that is hearing you spout off, a favor and take a drive through the inner-city and find out about those programs and their requirements for qualification. Educate yourself! Don't just be dismissive of an entire group of people, first understand that you likely have no real life understanding of their circumstances. And you have no understanding at all of the programs that exist.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Bin Laden Media Hype
So my friend calls and tells me that there's an 11:00pm President speech. Okay. So? SO! What on earth does this mean? Are we going to war again? It's 11:00pm! Oh. Is that abnormal? I guess, but that's the time the news comes on anyway. What do I know? My normal day ends at 1am and begins at 6am? If Pres. Obama was trying to usurp media speculation, why on earth did he take almost an hour to come on and make us listen to all kinds of media speculation in the interim? Journalists are suppose to be concerned about credibility. They tell us that he's going to announce that Bin Laden was captured, then dead? How? They don't know. Then they have these other journalists speculating on what this means for Terrorism. Uh? What? How about nothing? It took us 10 years to find him, do they think he hasn't had Al Quaida cronies running everything while he's been hiding in caves anyway? The dude is OLD! They're the ones who report to us that other terrorists have been running his show for quite some time, AND...is Al Quaida the only terrorist organization? Hell NO! One dumb ass journalist said that this will mean a complete revision of Afganistan's foreign policy now. WTF? American's aren't ignorant enough? This means nothing to Afganistan, they've got terrorists running amok over there. Taliban anyone?! Bin Laden is some hysterical nostalgic capture/kill for American's only, and well, it's significant only because of what he did to us. BUT, it doesn't change ANYTHING! If anything, we have to look out for revenge type missions now.
What I hate is media hype, speculation, and spin. I hate Fox News because it distorts crap and glorifies ignorant religious-based superiority and closemindedness. I hate the three major networks because they speculate and try to spin things to the other extreme. All of it's nonsense. It is what it is. America sought it's vendetta, and after ten years, a lot more lives have been lost, and one leader is dead, who "master minded" a horrific attack on the U.S. Okay. The cronies who carried it out died along with their victims. Chalk it up as a "V" for the U.S. then. But, no one really wins, terrorism is still running rampant. It doesn't change anything. Perspective, people, perspective.
No more hype, I can't stand it....wish their was a non-bias news source who didn't over dramatize and magnify things to hysterical levels of hype based on circumstancial opinions of people who got their degree in journalism, not foreign affairs. When that was exhausted (before President Obama had still come on) they turned their focus to speculation about how the world would react. Nothing more credibly solid than speculation about speculating...on a global level. Enough already.
What I hate is media hype, speculation, and spin. I hate Fox News because it distorts crap and glorifies ignorant religious-based superiority and closemindedness. I hate the three major networks because they speculate and try to spin things to the other extreme. All of it's nonsense. It is what it is. America sought it's vendetta, and after ten years, a lot more lives have been lost, and one leader is dead, who "master minded" a horrific attack on the U.S. Okay. The cronies who carried it out died along with their victims. Chalk it up as a "V" for the U.S. then. But, no one really wins, terrorism is still running rampant. It doesn't change anything. Perspective, people, perspective.
No more hype, I can't stand it....wish their was a non-bias news source who didn't over dramatize and magnify things to hysterical levels of hype based on circumstancial opinions of people who got their degree in journalism, not foreign affairs. When that was exhausted (before President Obama had still come on) they turned their focus to speculation about how the world would react. Nothing more credibly solid than speculation about speculating...on a global level. Enough already.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Couponing
I wish I could always write without feeling like I have to edit. Then I also wish that I could edit better. So, since I'm menstruating and therefore feeling bipolar with my moods, I think I'll just play it safe and talk about something I do know about: saving money.
I hate to pay retail for anything. I think when I bought my ipod touch as a brand new commodity back in 2006-7 somewhere around there was the last time I paid retail. I have to pay retail all the time for stuff that doesn't go on sale, milk, bread, eggs. I think those are the only thing that don't really go on sale in the grocery stores. But then, I also make at least 1 trip to BJ's each month in North Haven, who am I kidding, two. And I stock up on the 1.99 milk there, so even where I can't take advantage of sales, I'll drive all over the place...within reason to find the cheapest price.
I almost ever take my gas guzzling kid hauler out of town either, unless I have to. The thing is, I hate to waste money on necessities. You have to have them, and so that's why they charge so much. Take laundry detergent for example, I like Tide, because well, I do...I have sensetive skin and it's the one that irritates me the least. $15.99 per 100
load bottle....insane! Walmart charges 10.96. Still a rip off. You can save
money going to Walmart, but I hate Walmart. Yuck. grocery stores have a 8.99 sale price for Tide as a rock bottom....higher priced items like laundry detergent and OTC medicines have big coupons...I use my $2 tide coupons, I stock up and get 10 bottles for 6.99...most people just pay the $15.99....crazy!
So....I have been doing this for years, I cut some corners. But the principle is basically this: every item (except eggs) goes on sale at least once within a 13 week period, most usually go twice, one's a good deal, the other a great deal. So everytime you shop, you have to wait for the rock bottom price...sometimes they hit lower lows. I only buy what we typically use. I have kids, they're picky about food, so I have a two week menu rotation. That way, when I shop I buy three months worth of everything that can be frozen or will store. Most people don't get that far because who wants to buy or can afford to buy, or has the storage/freezer space for 3 months at a time??!! I do. And it will take you a good 3 months before you get that grocery bill to be tiny like on the show....you gotta stock up, and there will be things you're buying along the way that you need because you didn't have the 3 months supply, and they're not yet on sale....try to get by with generic, if you can, until then.
I am not going to spend hours on end looking for coupons. I like to live life, and I like to save money, but I also like to be able to do fun things. People also need to understand that the whole reason retailers put coupons out there is to get people to buy crap they normally wouldn't. Coupons are not intended for their normal customers, who usually buy their product anyway. They've already got you. The thing is, there are so few of us who are willing to put in the kind of time even that I do (which is much less than dumpster diving couponaholics). There are services who actually make money for clipping coupons. They get paid miniscule amounts of money to find and clip those SOBs for you. And it saves you INK. I use thecouponclippers.com, it's like 10% of the face value of the coupon, and you can get as many as you want. You can't scan a coupon that's been copied. Here's the thing. The coupon saves you $1, it actually only saves me .90, because it's worth the extra .10 to not have to search and find and cut the damn things. Plus, they get loads of coupons and you can generally find the great coupons for one of an item, versus the save a $1 on two. I'd rather get the save .50 on one, because .50 gets doubled at my stores and I save $1 on one. You have to do the math when you look at coupons...where you have to buy two or more, sometimes the coupon isn't that great of a deal, since you're still buying the items only when they're on sale, it's still better than nothing...but you can usually find a coupon that gives you a lesser amount (that will be doubled if it' .99 or less) but for one...that's almost always the better deal, and you can order as many as you need to get your 3 month supply.
Save money on necessities, so you can enjoy it on the luxuries!! LOL...that is funny, because we have to consider the source. Can't think of many luxuries that I enjoy. Oh well. Use it to have fun!
I hate to pay retail for anything. I think when I bought my ipod touch as a brand new commodity back in 2006-7 somewhere around there was the last time I paid retail. I have to pay retail all the time for stuff that doesn't go on sale, milk, bread, eggs. I think those are the only thing that don't really go on sale in the grocery stores. But then, I also make at least 1 trip to BJ's each month in North Haven, who am I kidding, two. And I stock up on the 1.99 milk there, so even where I can't take advantage of sales, I'll drive all over the place...within reason to find the cheapest price.
I almost ever take my gas guzzling kid hauler out of town either, unless I have to. The thing is, I hate to waste money on necessities. You have to have them, and so that's why they charge so much. Take laundry detergent for example, I like Tide, because well, I do...I have sensetive skin and it's the one that irritates me the least. $15.99 per 100
load bottle....insane! Walmart charges 10.96. Still a rip off. You can save
money going to Walmart, but I hate Walmart. Yuck. grocery stores have a 8.99 sale price for Tide as a rock bottom....higher priced items like laundry detergent and OTC medicines have big coupons...I use my $2 tide coupons, I stock up and get 10 bottles for 6.99...most people just pay the $15.99....crazy!
So....I have been doing this for years, I cut some corners. But the principle is basically this: every item (except eggs) goes on sale at least once within a 13 week period, most usually go twice, one's a good deal, the other a great deal. So everytime you shop, you have to wait for the rock bottom price...sometimes they hit lower lows. I only buy what we typically use. I have kids, they're picky about food, so I have a two week menu rotation. That way, when I shop I buy three months worth of everything that can be frozen or will store. Most people don't get that far because who wants to buy or can afford to buy, or has the storage/freezer space for 3 months at a time??!! I do. And it will take you a good 3 months before you get that grocery bill to be tiny like on the show....you gotta stock up, and there will be things you're buying along the way that you need because you didn't have the 3 months supply, and they're not yet on sale....try to get by with generic, if you can, until then.
I am not going to spend hours on end looking for coupons. I like to live life, and I like to save money, but I also like to be able to do fun things. People also need to understand that the whole reason retailers put coupons out there is to get people to buy crap they normally wouldn't. Coupons are not intended for their normal customers, who usually buy their product anyway. They've already got you. The thing is, there are so few of us who are willing to put in the kind of time even that I do (which is much less than dumpster diving couponaholics). There are services who actually make money for clipping coupons. They get paid miniscule amounts of money to find and clip those SOBs for you. And it saves you INK. I use thecouponclippers.com, it's like 10% of the face value of the coupon, and you can get as many as you want. You can't scan a coupon that's been copied. Here's the thing. The coupon saves you $1, it actually only saves me .90, because it's worth the extra .10 to not have to search and find and cut the damn things. Plus, they get loads of coupons and you can generally find the great coupons for one of an item, versus the save a $1 on two. I'd rather get the save .50 on one, because .50 gets doubled at my stores and I save $1 on one. You have to do the math when you look at coupons...where you have to buy two or more, sometimes the coupon isn't that great of a deal, since you're still buying the items only when they're on sale, it's still better than nothing...but you can usually find a coupon that gives you a lesser amount (that will be doubled if it' .99 or less) but for one...that's almost always the better deal, and you can order as many as you need to get your 3 month supply.
Save money on necessities, so you can enjoy it on the luxuries!! LOL...that is funny, because we have to consider the source. Can't think of many luxuries that I enjoy. Oh well. Use it to have fun!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I hate Utah!
I know it's never good to be bitter, and I think I'm generally pretty good about that. But every couple months I have one of those irritable menstrating days where I really just have to be a bitch and feed into the stereotype about being an irrational women.
So I don't end up making a phone call to my Mother that will go Nowhere by confiding in her what a disservice was done to me by being raised in a place where the expectations suck your hope away! Okay, well, as aesthetically beautiful as the place is, it's no place [for me] to live....I don't even like to visit anymore. Utah as a location doesn't exist without acknowledging Mormonism...predominant, no, DOMINANT!
I have a lot of great memories of my childhood. My Dad was the coolest, and was not raised As an "active" Mormon. I grew up on dirt bikes and camping out and I having what was in my mind a very happy not so sheltered childhood in a very pure sense. My parents still think carseats are a pain in the ass and would drive off holding a baby without one. And my Dad wouldn't admit it, but he still longs for coffee every morning...even after it probably took him a good 20 years to kick the "habit". Yeah, you're not suppose to drink coffee. That wasnt always
the worse my dad did. Cigarettes. Beer. I don't need to say anymore for the rebels of Utah to know what I mean, and for the Saints to gasp and put a "for shame" look on their faces. But up until I was 9 we lived a crazy rebel life where my Dad let me dip my Oreo in his coffee, and we'd go to a diner on Sunday mornings where my Dad and Uncle would smoke while we ate greasy omlets, instead of going to church. After that age, We still dirt biked every weekend we could though. And I know my Dad still never feels bad about missing church to do so. Oh how great would life be if you could always be going 80 on a dirt road, or climbing hills and hearing my Dad scream (as he does to this day when I ride with him as we go down a hill "Oh no, we're going to crash!") Those memories are my favorites of Utah. The rest are so infused with religious bullshit that it's not, in retrospect, happy. Even if they were happy at the time, they're a painful reminder of the mind shaping expectations that paralyzed me from seeing reality.
So many Mormons and Utahns are so happy with their lives, and I am genuinely happy for them. But I want to be left alone. I hate Utah. And I want that to be okay too. It never will be because my family all lives there, and I have to discuss it several times a year...I'm always being "convinced" that irregardless of my own personal experience that I'm just not seeing the indisputable appeal. I'm looking up airfare now for my bi-annual trip out there for my kids to spend time with their grandparents and cousins. I dread it every time. Despite having my favorite Mexican restaurant of all time, and the most beautiful mountains and canyons you'll ever see. You'd be hard pressed to find a more predominant mentality that is imposed to a whole populous in the United States. Non-Mormons get sick of it. Mormons do too, but they don't realize it.
So I don't end up making a phone call to my Mother that will go Nowhere by confiding in her what a disservice was done to me by being raised in a place where the expectations suck your hope away! Okay, well, as aesthetically beautiful as the place is, it's no place [for me] to live....I don't even like to visit anymore. Utah as a location doesn't exist without acknowledging Mormonism...predominant, no, DOMINANT!
I have a lot of great memories of my childhood. My Dad was the coolest, and was not raised As an "active" Mormon. I grew up on dirt bikes and camping out and I having what was in my mind a very happy not so sheltered childhood in a very pure sense. My parents still think carseats are a pain in the ass and would drive off holding a baby without one. And my Dad wouldn't admit it, but he still longs for coffee every morning...even after it probably took him a good 20 years to kick the "habit". Yeah, you're not suppose to drink coffee. That wasnt always
the worse my dad did. Cigarettes. Beer. I don't need to say anymore for the rebels of Utah to know what I mean, and for the Saints to gasp and put a "for shame" look on their faces. But up until I was 9 we lived a crazy rebel life where my Dad let me dip my Oreo in his coffee, and we'd go to a diner on Sunday mornings where my Dad and Uncle would smoke while we ate greasy omlets, instead of going to church. After that age, We still dirt biked every weekend we could though. And I know my Dad still never feels bad about missing church to do so. Oh how great would life be if you could always be going 80 on a dirt road, or climbing hills and hearing my Dad scream (as he does to this day when I ride with him as we go down a hill "Oh no, we're going to crash!") Those memories are my favorites of Utah. The rest are so infused with religious bullshit that it's not, in retrospect, happy. Even if they were happy at the time, they're a painful reminder of the mind shaping expectations that paralyzed me from seeing reality.
So many Mormons and Utahns are so happy with their lives, and I am genuinely happy for them. But I want to be left alone. I hate Utah. And I want that to be okay too. It never will be because my family all lives there, and I have to discuss it several times a year...I'm always being "convinced" that irregardless of my own personal experience that I'm just not seeing the indisputable appeal. I'm looking up airfare now for my bi-annual trip out there for my kids to spend time with their grandparents and cousins. I dread it every time. Despite having my favorite Mexican restaurant of all time, and the most beautiful mountains and canyons you'll ever see. You'd be hard pressed to find a more predominant mentality that is imposed to a whole populous in the United States. Non-Mormons get sick of it. Mormons do too, but they don't realize it.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Humility may breed success, but the humilty part is pretty humbling.
After not being able to go to college at age 18, I became a Nanny for a family in New Jersey. My little brother and sister were 9 and 7 when I left, and it was hard for me to be away from them as I genuinely was very much a mothering figure more than a sister to them at that point in my life. But this was my way of spreading my wings. I actually went through an agency called "Nannies from Utah"....LOL...why? Because people knew that Mormon girls are use to raising kids and don't do crazy stuff. They soon found out that some of them did, I met my fair share of 'Nannies from Utah' who didn't just spread their wings!! I wasn't one of them though!
I did have a core group of Nanny friends....we were so cocky. We worked for these professionals who treated their kids like adults...it was funny. Paula Poundstone was a successful comic then and one of our favorite lines was when she was on an airplane hearing a mother "rationalize" with a 4 year old "Brittany"..."tell Mommy what you want." "Are you feeling sad Brittany?" As the child screamed and wailed and made everybody on the plane want to scream. Paula's line "Hey, doesn't Brittany fit in the overhead compartment?!" That's corny, but the mental image is pretty funny if you can picture a screaming little brat going into that compartment.
But we were all girls who were the older of our relatively large families, who had been given a lot of responsibilty with our younger siblings, and and we felt we knew more about parenting than these doctors, lawyers, corporate bigwigs who we worked for. At 18! Some of the cockiness was justified. I mean, I knew then the power of reverse psychology, of letting the kid feel like he's the one in control and making the decision. But there was so much I didn't know as well. It was eye-opening to me how the kids behaved so differently for me than their parents, in fact it drove me nuts. My little 4 year old guy was my buddy, he didn't whine for me, because, well, I wouldn't listen to him unless he talked normal. But even when I left when he was 6, Mom or Dad would walk in the door and wham-o, where did my smart little articulator go? He regressed into a 2 year old again! To know it all at 18! <<<sigh>>>
Now to the humbling part, flash forward just short of 15-20 years and here I a scratching my head. My big guy is going through some pretty intense crap. My first baby, apple of my eye, first true love of my life, recently had PT conferences, I went to his parent teacher conference and the teachers wondered why I felt the need to go...generally, if the kids are at honor roll status at conference time they don't advise conferences. I told them, "well, he's getting a B- on the progress report in math." "It's only a progress report, there's still several things that will factor into his grade. He's doing well." "But this is MATH. For my guy, math is SO easy. That tells me he's being lazy, and being lazy is not okay." "But he's doing high school math, he is being honored by the board of ed next month for how he did on a national math program." "Right. So, why the B-, then?" To his teachers, or at least his math and english teachers that I saw that I day, I seemed a little overbearing, and unacknowledging of what a good kid my son is. Am I happy to hear that he's a great kid, that he's respectful, and diligent, and intelligent? Yes, I am. But he's realizing on an emotional level that life sometimes sucks. And I need him to not let that get the better of him, and HE needs to continue to meet his expectations so that it doesn't.
Here's the sitch: he got accepted at a prep-school, but his father wouldn't send me the paperwork (his unemployment statement, and tax return from the prior year) to qualify him for financial aid. I liked the all male environment for him, I liked the higher standards, it's a bigger school, and will give him a better idea of where he stands with sports, and more exposure if he actually is as good as everyone says. I can't qualify on my own because even though I have not received child support from his father for over 3 years now, it's a court order that I'm entitled to it, and it's therefore figured into my income. The amount that I would have to pay would be less than the full tuition, but not something that I can afford even still...nor justify when I have him and other kids to put through college, I simply cannot justify paying for high school, regardless of whether or not it may give him "D1 exposure" for football. That's a gamble and I'm not delusional, he's 13 and he may dominate now, but at the high school level, other kids will also be great and to say he's D1 material at this age is premature, and I don't want to set him up for failure, the pressure to get a scholarship because I am paying for high school is not something I want to impose on him either. I know he will do well wherever he goes, because the expectation is there for him to. These things that he can control: his grades, his commitment to his sports, his interactions with others, I need to remain at a high standard, because, quite honestly, it's the only thing that I've got to help him when he's feeling like he is nothing because he has a father who's dropped out of his life and wouldn't even bother to send in a paper so he could have the opportunity, virutally tuition free. I can be the best Mom in the world, but I can't make up for that. All those other things are also completely under his control, and he's got no one, other than himself to give credit to for them. No matter how much I love him, or coddle him, nothing will build his self esteem more than these things that are his reality, that he has pushed himself and worked hard to accomplish ON HIS OWN.
He's got to go through the pain of it though, he's got to feel it, I can't make excuses for, or minimize his fathers' impact any more than I can get the bastard on the phone. I am proud of him because at his young age, he's going through the process. He's gone from romanticizing his father, to being disappointed when the mailbox was empty everyday for weeks after his birthday, even though Dad promised something was coming (poor man has the worst luck with the postal service...they lose almost every package he sends, can you believe that?!), then he was angry, and now he's realistic. Embracing reality is the hardest part for anyone. It's not easy because there's not really any comfort other than knowing it's real, no excuses to be made to minimize the pain, it is what it is. Which isn't much comfort at all. It's humbling. He's made me promise not to "force" Dad to call. Which, I haven't, although I can't say I don't threaten when I get the chance, or that I haven't sent him some nasty e-mails and texts regarding the way he's treating his children. But, as always, I never discuss any of that with the kids anyway. Even though his father doesn't listen to me either, letting him off the hook is not an option for me. It's not like he was never in their lives, like we didn't make a choice to have the kids together. I never knew dropping out of your kids' life was an option either. Which is worse? Never being there, or being there, irregardless of how engaged you are, and then not? I'm not sure. I had a Dad in my life my whole life, imperfect as he was, he loved me and drove me crazy simlutaneously. He was there.
So, with all my training and all that I know (even at age 18..lol) I don't know how to make this any less painful for him, and I would never want to impose my feelings of guilt and shame onto my son so that he feels like he's got to make me feel better, in addition to sorting it out himself. The reality is, that my ex doesn't see what great kids he has. That the kids don't get a father who, imperfect as he may be, is there. And they probably never will, irregardless of how much my son excels in whatever area he excels in. That's reality, that's pretty humbling, for us both.
I did have a core group of Nanny friends....we were so cocky. We worked for these professionals who treated their kids like adults...it was funny. Paula Poundstone was a successful comic then and one of our favorite lines was when she was on an airplane hearing a mother "rationalize" with a 4 year old "Brittany"..."tell Mommy what you want." "Are you feeling sad Brittany?" As the child screamed and wailed and made everybody on the plane want to scream. Paula's line "Hey, doesn't Brittany fit in the overhead compartment?!" That's corny, but the mental image is pretty funny if you can picture a screaming little brat going into that compartment.
But we were all girls who were the older of our relatively large families, who had been given a lot of responsibilty with our younger siblings, and and we felt we knew more about parenting than these doctors, lawyers, corporate bigwigs who we worked for. At 18! Some of the cockiness was justified. I mean, I knew then the power of reverse psychology, of letting the kid feel like he's the one in control and making the decision. But there was so much I didn't know as well. It was eye-opening to me how the kids behaved so differently for me than their parents, in fact it drove me nuts. My little 4 year old guy was my buddy, he didn't whine for me, because, well, I wouldn't listen to him unless he talked normal. But even when I left when he was 6, Mom or Dad would walk in the door and wham-o, where did my smart little articulator go? He regressed into a 2 year old again! To know it all at 18! <<<sigh>>>
Now to the humbling part, flash forward just short of 15-20 years and here I a scratching my head. My big guy is going through some pretty intense crap. My first baby, apple of my eye, first true love of my life, recently had PT conferences, I went to his parent teacher conference and the teachers wondered why I felt the need to go...generally, if the kids are at honor roll status at conference time they don't advise conferences. I told them, "well, he's getting a B- on the progress report in math." "It's only a progress report, there's still several things that will factor into his grade. He's doing well." "But this is MATH. For my guy, math is SO easy. That tells me he's being lazy, and being lazy is not okay." "But he's doing high school math, he is being honored by the board of ed next month for how he did on a national math program." "Right. So, why the B-, then?" To his teachers, or at least his math and english teachers that I saw that I day, I seemed a little overbearing, and unacknowledging of what a good kid my son is. Am I happy to hear that he's a great kid, that he's respectful, and diligent, and intelligent? Yes, I am. But he's realizing on an emotional level that life sometimes sucks. And I need him to not let that get the better of him, and HE needs to continue to meet his expectations so that it doesn't.
Here's the sitch: he got accepted at a prep-school, but his father wouldn't send me the paperwork (his unemployment statement, and tax return from the prior year) to qualify him for financial aid. I liked the all male environment for him, I liked the higher standards, it's a bigger school, and will give him a better idea of where he stands with sports, and more exposure if he actually is as good as everyone says. I can't qualify on my own because even though I have not received child support from his father for over 3 years now, it's a court order that I'm entitled to it, and it's therefore figured into my income. The amount that I would have to pay would be less than the full tuition, but not something that I can afford even still...nor justify when I have him and other kids to put through college, I simply cannot justify paying for high school, regardless of whether or not it may give him "D1 exposure" for football. That's a gamble and I'm not delusional, he's 13 and he may dominate now, but at the high school level, other kids will also be great and to say he's D1 material at this age is premature, and I don't want to set him up for failure, the pressure to get a scholarship because I am paying for high school is not something I want to impose on him either. I know he will do well wherever he goes, because the expectation is there for him to. These things that he can control: his grades, his commitment to his sports, his interactions with others, I need to remain at a high standard, because, quite honestly, it's the only thing that I've got to help him when he's feeling like he is nothing because he has a father who's dropped out of his life and wouldn't even bother to send in a paper so he could have the opportunity, virutally tuition free. I can be the best Mom in the world, but I can't make up for that. All those other things are also completely under his control, and he's got no one, other than himself to give credit to for them. No matter how much I love him, or coddle him, nothing will build his self esteem more than these things that are his reality, that he has pushed himself and worked hard to accomplish ON HIS OWN.
He's got to go through the pain of it though, he's got to feel it, I can't make excuses for, or minimize his fathers' impact any more than I can get the bastard on the phone. I am proud of him because at his young age, he's going through the process. He's gone from romanticizing his father, to being disappointed when the mailbox was empty everyday for weeks after his birthday, even though Dad promised something was coming (poor man has the worst luck with the postal service...they lose almost every package he sends, can you believe that?!), then he was angry, and now he's realistic. Embracing reality is the hardest part for anyone. It's not easy because there's not really any comfort other than knowing it's real, no excuses to be made to minimize the pain, it is what it is. Which isn't much comfort at all. It's humbling. He's made me promise not to "force" Dad to call. Which, I haven't, although I can't say I don't threaten when I get the chance, or that I haven't sent him some nasty e-mails and texts regarding the way he's treating his children. But, as always, I never discuss any of that with the kids anyway. Even though his father doesn't listen to me either, letting him off the hook is not an option for me. It's not like he was never in their lives, like we didn't make a choice to have the kids together. I never knew dropping out of your kids' life was an option either. Which is worse? Never being there, or being there, irregardless of how engaged you are, and then not? I'm not sure. I had a Dad in my life my whole life, imperfect as he was, he loved me and drove me crazy simlutaneously. He was there.
So, with all my training and all that I know (even at age 18..lol) I don't know how to make this any less painful for him, and I would never want to impose my feelings of guilt and shame onto my son so that he feels like he's got to make me feel better, in addition to sorting it out himself. The reality is, that my ex doesn't see what great kids he has. That the kids don't get a father who, imperfect as he may be, is there. And they probably never will, irregardless of how much my son excels in whatever area he excels in. That's reality, that's pretty humbling, for us both.
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