After not being able to go to college at age 18, I became a Nanny for a family in New Jersey. My little brother and sister were 9 and 7 when I left, and it was hard for me to be away from them as I genuinely was very much a mothering figure more than a sister to them at that point in my life. But this was my way of spreading my wings. I actually went through an agency called "Nannies from Utah"....LOL...why? Because people knew that Mormon girls are use to raising kids and don't do crazy stuff. They soon found out that some of them did, I met my fair share of 'Nannies from Utah' who didn't just spread their wings!! I wasn't one of them though!
I did have a core group of Nanny friends....we were so cocky. We worked for these professionals who treated their kids like adults...it was funny. Paula Poundstone was a successful comic then and one of our favorite lines was when she was on an airplane hearing a mother "rationalize" with a 4 year old "Brittany"..."tell Mommy what you want." "Are you feeling sad Brittany?" As the child screamed and wailed and made everybody on the plane want to scream. Paula's line "Hey, doesn't Brittany fit in the overhead compartment?!" That's corny, but the mental image is pretty funny if you can picture a screaming little brat going into that compartment.
But we were all girls who were the older of our relatively large families, who had been given a lot of responsibilty with our younger siblings, and and we felt we knew more about parenting than these doctors, lawyers, corporate bigwigs who we worked for. At 18! Some of the cockiness was justified. I mean, I knew then the power of reverse psychology, of letting the kid feel like he's the one in control and making the decision. But there was so much I didn't know as well. It was eye-opening to me how the kids behaved so differently for me than their parents, in fact it drove me nuts. My little 4 year old guy was my buddy, he didn't whine for me, because, well, I wouldn't listen to him unless he talked normal. But even when I left when he was 6, Mom or Dad would walk in the door and wham-o, where did my smart little articulator go? He regressed into a 2 year old again! To know it all at 18! <<<sigh>>>
Now to the humbling part, flash forward just short of 15-20 years and here I a scratching my head. My big guy is going through some pretty intense crap. My first baby, apple of my eye, first true love of my life, recently had PT conferences, I went to his parent teacher conference and the teachers wondered why I felt the need to go...generally, if the kids are at honor roll status at conference time they don't advise conferences. I told them, "well, he's getting a B- on the progress report in math." "It's only a progress report, there's still several things that will factor into his grade. He's doing well." "But this is MATH. For my guy, math is SO easy. That tells me he's being lazy, and being lazy is not okay." "But he's doing high school math, he is being honored by the board of ed next month for how he did on a national math program." "Right. So, why the B-, then?" To his teachers, or at least his math and english teachers that I saw that I day, I seemed a little overbearing, and unacknowledging of what a good kid my son is. Am I happy to hear that he's a great kid, that he's respectful, and diligent, and intelligent? Yes, I am. But he's realizing on an emotional level that life sometimes sucks. And I need him to not let that get the better of him, and HE needs to continue to meet his expectations so that it doesn't.
Here's the sitch: he got accepted at a prep-school, but his father wouldn't send me the paperwork (his unemployment statement, and tax return from the prior year) to qualify him for financial aid. I liked the all male environment for him, I liked the higher standards, it's a bigger school, and will give him a better idea of where he stands with sports, and more exposure if he actually is as good as everyone says. I can't qualify on my own because even though I have not received child support from his father for over 3 years now, it's a court order that I'm entitled to it, and it's therefore figured into my income. The amount that I would have to pay would be less than the full tuition, but not something that I can afford even still...nor justify when I have him and other kids to put through college, I simply cannot justify paying for high school, regardless of whether or not it may give him "D1 exposure" for football. That's a gamble and I'm not delusional, he's 13 and he may dominate now, but at the high school level, other kids will also be great and to say he's D1 material at this age is premature, and I don't want to set him up for failure, the pressure to get a scholarship because I am paying for high school is not something I want to impose on him either. I know he will do well wherever he goes, because the expectation is there for him to. These things that he can control: his grades, his commitment to his sports, his interactions with others, I need to remain at a high standard, because, quite honestly, it's the only thing that I've got to help him when he's feeling like he is nothing because he has a father who's dropped out of his life and wouldn't even bother to send in a paper so he could have the opportunity, virutally tuition free. I can be the best Mom in the world, but I can't make up for that. All those other things are also completely under his control, and he's got no one, other than himself to give credit to for them. No matter how much I love him, or coddle him, nothing will build his self esteem more than these things that are his reality, that he has pushed himself and worked hard to accomplish ON HIS OWN.
He's got to go through the pain of it though, he's got to feel it, I can't make excuses for, or minimize his fathers' impact any more than I can get the bastard on the phone. I am proud of him because at his young age, he's going through the process. He's gone from romanticizing his father, to being disappointed when the mailbox was empty everyday for weeks after his birthday, even though Dad promised something was coming (poor man has the worst luck with the postal service...they lose almost every package he sends, can you believe that?!), then he was angry, and now he's realistic. Embracing reality is the hardest part for anyone. It's not easy because there's not really any comfort other than knowing it's real, no excuses to be made to minimize the pain, it is what it is. Which isn't much comfort at all. It's humbling. He's made me promise not to "force" Dad to call. Which, I haven't, although I can't say I don't threaten when I get the chance, or that I haven't sent him some nasty e-mails and texts regarding the way he's treating his children. But, as always, I never discuss any of that with the kids anyway. Even though his father doesn't listen to me either, letting him off the hook is not an option for me. It's not like he was never in their lives, like we didn't make a choice to have the kids together. I never knew dropping out of your kids' life was an option either. Which is worse? Never being there, or being there, irregardless of how engaged you are, and then not? I'm not sure. I had a Dad in my life my whole life, imperfect as he was, he loved me and drove me crazy simlutaneously. He was there.
So, with all my training and all that I know (even at age 18..lol) I don't know how to make this any less painful for him, and I would never want to impose my feelings of guilt and shame onto my son so that he feels like he's got to make me feel better, in addition to sorting it out himself. The reality is, that my ex doesn't see what great kids he has. That the kids don't get a father who, imperfect as he may be, is there. And they probably never will, irregardless of how much my son excels in whatever area he excels in. That's reality, that's pretty humbling, for us both.
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