Sometimes when people have been lied to too many times, they crave complete and total honesty. Because to them (me) it becomes apparent that anything less gives false hope, and false sense of security. Complete honesty is better because you know the truth and then your mind can wrap it's brain around the truth and deal with things in a straightforward fashion based on that, which seems like it would also eliminate the drama because you cut to the chase, the heart of the matter, get right at it, right? I WISH! But, sadly, no, and I'll tell you why.
What is drama in the sense that we use it today? Posing, over-reacting, acting: creating Shakespearean masterpiece theater out of a greasy bucket of KFC. Why infuse drama? Specifically to NOT deal with life's harsh realities. Drama creates an issue thats more interesting, exciting, non-true than what it actually is, thereby avoiding the issue entirely. The issue remains unsolved and you expended a lot of energy on nonsense. It is stupid and pointless but so many people thrive on it, while professing they don't.
The problem comes back to perspective. Giving creedence to the adage that "it's all about perspective.". What one person perceives as straightforward, and genuine, possibly even thoughtful. Another can perceive as rude, mean, and thoughtless. That's perspective. I was talking to a friend of mine, who, you know, is fat. Were good friends. We speak openly and honesty about everything. She tells me about an out of the blue phone call from old boyfriend. He said he just called to give her closure because his therapist reccommended that he would not be able to move forward without dealing with his guilt. Okay, sounds honorable enough, he really was an ass to her, so okay...I'm listening and respecting all of it, until I hear her start to say that he said she was "the best ever, and it just really messed him up." Huh? I looked at her and thought to myself, honesty was working....she knows that's bullshit, right? She doesn't want to let him get away with that, does she? So, in my clouded judgement I clarify, because it almost seemed like she was buying it:
"Wait. You told him you knew he was full of shit, right? I mean what's the point of therapy if he thinks the solution is to lie his way out it?". Oops, she bought his load of shit: "What is he lying about!? The sex was FANTASTIC!" Hmmmm. Okay. Now, I am not oversimplifying, but their relationship was NOT very sexual. They got along great and talked a lot, but they only had sex twice and the second (and last) time she told him she didn't want to "do" certain things that he did. Then he suddenly was MIA. Ding! Ding! Ding! The clear reason why he jumped ship like a cowardice was because the carrot she was dangling WASN'T the payoff he'd been seeking. I call him a cowardice because he went into
it with my friend knowing what she was wanting and professing the same, then offering no explanation when he just vanished...after that "magical" second night of sex so wonderful his fantasies were shot down. If were going to accept being lied to...shouldn't it at least make sense?
I get it, women want to think that they are the only ones who can do or will be able to do it for this guy physically. In that moment pre during and post coital, theres a euphoria that makes us feel fantastic...assuming we could "O" that is. That's why we all love sex, well, the majority of us do anyway. But, we all come away, if we need to examine it more in depth at least where we realize he can do that to himself, right? That we actually are the preferred receptacle for their seman (encased in latex as it may be), but that other than be a great combination of attractive attributes, whatever they may be, guys can and will generally find someone to do what we won't. And that they put up with whatever non-attractive attributes we all also possess only when we both 1) have nice attributes that outweigh the bad, and 2) allow them to do freaky shit. If you don't have both, your guy might hang around, but he's still wanting an outlet for the freaky shit. If you have both, he'll probably think your golden, at least for awhile...LOL!
So, I digress...with this conversation with my friend, I assumed that the above stated REALITY is known by all of us who've reached a certain age, which I have reached and therefore assumed that she had reached that awareness before me. Well, she hadn't, or at least she chose not to accept it, and chooses to continue thinking that her larger than life attitude, and appeal was THE BOMB in bed, even if she didn't want to entertain his freaky side. He cut his losses, he wasn't that invested in her when the iron curtain came crashing down, and had told her it was not that big of a deal....because, well, he avoided drama on that one. Then he proceeded to avoid her like the plague. It seems so clear....yet she wants to think that he "left" because the sex was so intense that it threw him for a loop. Uh. He's a man. Intense sex...that's a hoop he'd jump through and then turn around and keep jump through as long as the intensity is there. Who gives up great sex voluntarily? How great is the sex when the creativity takes a dive before it even gets underway?
This is my point. Some of us WANT to lie to ourselves. We just do. We view ourselves in a certain way, we stack our personality blocks as we see fit, and in a way that seems sturdy and aesthetically pleasing so that we can function. But if someone blows to hard and knocks a block down, we think it's all going to come tumbling down. Blocks=self perception=self esteem. So we say, it wasn't the way my blocks were stacked...the wind was just stronger than normal. The way I stacked my blocks was fine, you know maybe there was a tornado down south and it created this weird sort of pressure system that dissipated over the ocean except for one extra powerful gust, that effected no one else, just me....so bizarre, right!?"
Being honest with yourself doesn't mean always readjusting your blocks into a different design, your blocks could be fine...maybe you just need some mortar (standing up for yourself and your values) to strengthen your design. Or maybe you should chip some mortar away to get rid of air pockets that are creating a weak spot in your design, and see that it's maybe not the right design for you (sticking to your guns when it's not really that important, just to
be obstinate and refuse to admit a flaw). Not embracing reality and not being willing to take a step back and look at your self causes drama. Because you're not trying to find the truth, you're just putting your name behind something you haven't taken the time to examine, because you're too afraid that there will be flaws found. Maybe it's not all the other persons fault. It almost never is. It could be no ones fault just a misunderstanding of how things fit. Or it could be that his dumb ass doesn't want the design you have. Why is that so bad? Why do we feel so bad if people don't want us, accept us, or agree with us? Just because we were open to all of that for them? Why do we have to rationalize and make excuses for such a simple, matter of fact reality. You might be beautiful in every aspect of the definition of the word, but
still, that doesn't you'll be everyone's cup of tea. And you wouldn't want to. We all know several guys that we would PREFER didn't want us (unfortunately those are usually the ones that want us the most..LOL, but that's a different topic entirely).
I'm taking about more than just romance. Opinions, thoughts, feelings, style, WHATEVER! Being honest with what is your perception and what is the other persons can allow you tom see the real truth, and accept it for what it is. We all wish truth came in a prettier package, but it often is truly ugly. We've all seen someone ugly tryin' to be pretty...and we know "that ain't pretty." That's drama. Whether what you think you said was rude or not, if the other person interpreted it that way, there will be drama. Were you being rude? If the answer is genuinely no. Then you're good...you can do nothing and deal with dramatic fallout, or you can acknowledge that there was malice behind it, and simply apologize for being rude. Or you can honestly say, "I was trying to be honest, I didn't mean it the way you took it. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt." You can be honest and sensetive/acknowledging without taking it back! If it's truly how you feel you shouldn't take it back allows the other person to validate what may very well be a skewed thought process (i.e., my friend, him letting her believe that the sex was so amazing, when the reality is that it wasn't going the direction he wanted....so she walks around thinking that she's such the bomb that it's become her curse? RIDICULOUS!). It's not up to you to get them to change it, but you can deal with less drama in your life by being honest with them, they can choose how/if they deal with it.
I will continue to advocate for a drama free existence. But in reality, that will never happen. I'll do my part to curb the amount I'll deal with at least. Because I don't want to lie to myself and live in an unrealistic fantasy. I am what I am, and I will never acheive more if all I do is make excuses that won't allow me to evolve as a person. I would much rather have someone tell me. You know what, you're not what I am craving. You're too fat, your stretch marks, your whatever is just not something I can deal with. As rude as that may seem. What's the alternative, that I think I'm okay in his eyes and have him holding back vomit? God, I cannot imagine a worse way to live life than to be with someone who's settling for me. I have tried settling for someone and it's miserable, and unfair, we all deserve to be loved and respected for who
we are, without that, loneliness is only as lonely as you make it.
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