Monday, April 25, 2011

Couponing

I wish I could always write without feeling like I have to edit.  Then I also wish that I could edit better.  So, since I'm menstruating and therefore feeling bipolar with my moods, I think I'll just play it safe and talk about something I do know about: saving money.

I hate to pay retail for anything.  I think when I bought my ipod touch as a brand new commodity back in 2006-7 somewhere around there was the last time I paid retail.  I have to pay retail all the time for stuff that doesn't go on sale, milk, bread, eggs.  I think those are the only thing that don't really go on sale in the grocery stores.  But then, I also make at least 1 trip to BJ's each month in North Haven, who am I kidding, two.  And I stock up on the 1.99 milk there, so even where I can't take advantage of sales, I'll drive all over the place...within reason to find the cheapest price. 

I almost ever take my gas guzzling kid hauler out of town either, unless I have to.  The thing is, I hate to waste money on necessities.  You have to have them, and so that's why they charge so much.  Take laundry detergent for example, I like Tide, because well, I do...I have sensetive skin and it's the one that irritates me the least.  $15.99 per 100
load bottle....insane!  Walmart charges 10.96.  Still a rip off.  You can save
money going to Walmart, but I hate Walmart.  Yuck.  grocery stores have a 8.99 sale price for Tide as a rock bottom....higher priced items like laundry detergent and OTC medicines have big coupons...I use my $2 tide coupons, I stock up and get 10 bottles for 6.99...most people just pay the $15.99....crazy!

So....I have been doing this for years, I cut some corners.  But the principle is basically this:  every item (except eggs) goes on sale at least once within a 13 week period, most usually go twice, one's a good deal, the other a great deal.  So everytime you shop, you have to wait for the rock bottom price...sometimes they hit lower lows.  I only buy what we typically use.  I have kids, they're picky about food, so I have a two week menu rotation.  That way, when I shop I buy three months worth of everything that can be frozen or will store.   Most people don't get that far because who wants to buy or can afford to buy, or has the storage/freezer space for 3 months at a time??!!  I do.  And it will take you a good 3 months before you get that grocery bill to be tiny like on the show....you gotta stock up, and there will be things you're buying along the way that you need because you didn't have the 3 months supply, and they're not yet on sale....try to get by with generic, if you can, until then.

I am not going to spend hours on end looking for coupons.  I like to live life, and I like to save money, but I also like to be able to do fun things.  People also need to understand that the whole reason retailers put coupons out there is to get people to buy crap they normally wouldn't.  Coupons are not intended for their normal customers, who usually buy their product anyway.  They've already got you.  The thing is, there are so few of us who are willing to put in the kind of time even that I do (which is much less than dumpster diving couponaholics).  There are services who actually make money for clipping coupons.  They get paid miniscule amounts of money to find and clip those SOBs for you.  And it saves you INK.  I use thecouponclippers.com, it's like 10% of the face value of the coupon, and you can get as many as you want.  You can't scan a coupon that's been copied.  Here's the thing.  The coupon saves you $1, it actually only saves me .90, because it's worth the extra .10 to not have to search and find and cut the damn things.  Plus, they get loads of coupons and you can generally find the great coupons for one of an item, versus the save a $1 on two.  I'd rather get the save .50 on one, because .50 gets doubled at my stores and I save $1 on one.  You have to do the math when you look at coupons...where you have to buy two or more, sometimes the coupon isn't that great of a deal, since you're still buying the items only when they're on sale, it's still better than nothing...but you can usually find a coupon that gives you a lesser amount (that will be doubled if it' .99 or less) but for one...that's almost always the better deal, and you can order as many as you need to get your 3 month supply.

Save money on necessities, so you can enjoy it on the luxuries!!  LOL...that is funny, because we have to consider the source.  Can't think of many luxuries that I enjoy.  Oh well.  Use it to have fun!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I hate Utah!

I know it's never good to be bitter, and I think I'm generally pretty good about that. But every couple months I have one of those irritable menstrating days where I really just have to be a bitch and feed into the stereotype about being an irrational women.

So I don't end up making a phone call to my Mother that will go Nowhere by confiding in her what a disservice was done to me by being raised in a place where the expectations suck your hope away! Okay, well, as aesthetically beautiful as the place is, it's no place [for me] to live....I don't even like to visit anymore. Utah as a location doesn't exist without acknowledging Mormonism...predominant, no, DOMINANT!

I have a lot of great memories of my childhood. My Dad was the coolest, and was not raised As an "active" Mormon. I grew up on dirt bikes and camping out and I having what was in my mind a very happy not so sheltered childhood in a very pure sense. My parents still think carseats are a pain in the ass and would drive off holding a baby without one. And my Dad wouldn't admit it, but he still longs for coffee every morning...even after it probably took him a good 20 years to kick the "habit". Yeah, you're not suppose to drink coffee. That wasnt always
the worse my dad did. Cigarettes. Beer. I don't need to say anymore for the rebels of Utah to know what I mean, and for the Saints to gasp and put a "for shame" look on their faces. But up until I was 9 we lived a crazy rebel life where my Dad let me dip my Oreo in his coffee, and we'd go to a diner on Sunday mornings where my Dad and Uncle would smoke while we ate greasy omlets, instead of going to church. After that age, We still dirt biked every weekend we could though. And I know my Dad still never feels bad about missing church to do so. Oh how great would life be if you could always be going 80 on a dirt road, or climbing hills and hearing my Dad scream (as he does to this day when I ride with him as we go down a hill "Oh no, we're going to crash!") Those memories are my favorites of Utah. The rest are so infused with religious bullshit that it's not, in retrospect, happy. Even if they were happy at the time, they're a painful reminder of the mind shaping expectations that paralyzed me from seeing reality.

So many Mormons and Utahns are so happy with their lives, and I am genuinely happy for them. But I want to be left alone. I hate Utah. And I want that to be okay too. It never will be because my family all lives there, and I have to discuss it several times a year...I'm always being "convinced" that irregardless of my own personal experience that I'm just not seeing the indisputable appeal. I'm looking up airfare now for my bi-annual trip out there for my kids to spend time with their grandparents and cousins. I dread it every time. Despite having my favorite Mexican restaurant of all time, and the most beautiful mountains and canyons you'll ever see. You'd be hard pressed to find a more predominant mentality that is imposed to a whole populous in the United States. Non-Mormons get sick of it. Mormons do too, but they don't realize it.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Humility may breed success, but the humilty part is pretty humbling.

After not being able to go to college at age 18, I became a Nanny for a family in New Jersey.  My little brother and sister were 9 and 7 when I left, and it was hard for me to be away from them as I genuinely was very much a mothering figure more than a sister to them at that point in my life.  But this was my way of spreading my wings.  I actually went through an agency called "Nannies from Utah"....LOL...why?  Because people knew that Mormon girls are use to raising kids and don't do crazy stuff.  They soon found out that some of them did, I met my fair share of 'Nannies from Utah' who didn't just spread their wings!!  I wasn't one of them though!

I did have a core group of Nanny friends....we were so cocky.  We worked for these professionals who treated their kids like adults...it was funny.  Paula Poundstone was a successful comic then and one of our favorite lines was when she was on an airplane hearing a mother "rationalize" with a 4 year old "Brittany"..."tell Mommy what you want."  "Are you feeling sad Brittany?"  As the child screamed and wailed and made everybody on the plane want to scream.  Paula's line "Hey, doesn't Brittany fit in the overhead compartment?!"  That's corny, but the mental image is pretty funny if you can picture a screaming little brat going into that compartment. 

But we were all girls who were the older of our relatively large families, who had been given a lot of responsibilty with our younger siblings, and and we felt we knew more about parenting than these doctors, lawyers, corporate bigwigs who we worked for.  At 18!  Some of the cockiness was justified.  I mean, I knew then the power of reverse psychology, of letting the kid feel like he's the one in control and making the decision.  But there was so much I didn't know as well.  It was eye-opening to me how the kids behaved so differently for me than their parents, in fact it drove me nuts.  My little 4 year old guy was my buddy, he didn't whine for me, because, well, I wouldn't listen to him unless he talked normal.  But even when I left when he was 6, Mom or Dad would walk in the door and wham-o, where did my smart little articulator go?  He regressed into a 2 year old again!  To know it all at 18!  <<<sigh>>> 

Now to the humbling part, flash forward just short of 15-20 years and here I a scratching my head.  My big guy is going through some pretty intense crap.  My first baby, apple of my eye, first true love of my life, recently had PT conferences, I went to his parent teacher conference and the teachers wondered why I felt the need to go...generally, if the kids are at honor roll status at conference time they don't advise conferences.  I told them, "well, he's getting a B- on the progress report in math."  "It's only a progress report, there's still several things that will factor into his grade.  He's doing well."  "But this is MATH.  For my guy, math is SO easy.  That tells me he's being lazy, and being lazy is not okay."  "But he's doing high school math, he is being honored by the board of ed next month for how he did on a national math program."  "Right.  So, why the B-, then?"  To his teachers, or at least his math and english teachers that I saw that I day, I seemed a little overbearing, and unacknowledging of what a good kid my son is.  Am I happy to hear that he's a great kid, that he's respectful, and diligent, and intelligent?  Yes, I am.  But he's realizing on an emotional level that life sometimes sucks.  And I need him to not let that get the better of him, and HE needs to continue to meet his expectations so that it doesn't.

Here's the sitch: he got accepted at a prep-school, but his father wouldn't send me the paperwork (his unemployment statement, and tax return from the prior year) to qualify him for financial aid.  I liked the all male environment for him, I liked the higher standards, it's a bigger school, and will give him a better idea of where he stands with sports, and more exposure if he actually is as good as everyone says.  I can't qualify on my own because even though I have not received child support from his father for over 3 years now, it's a court order that I'm entitled to it, and it's therefore figured into my income.  The amount that I would have to pay would be less than the full tuition, but not something that I can afford even still...nor justify when I have him and other kids to put through college, I simply cannot justify paying for high school, regardless of whether or not it may give him "D1 exposure" for football.  That's a gamble and I'm not delusional, he's 13 and he may dominate now, but at the high school level, other kids will also be great and to say he's D1 material at this age is premature, and I don't want to set him up for failure, the pressure to get a scholarship because I am paying for high school is not something I want to impose on him either.  I know he will do well wherever he goes, because the expectation is there for him to.  These things that he can control: his grades, his commitment to his sports, his interactions with others, I need to remain at a high standard, because, quite honestly, it's the only thing that I've got to help him when he's feeling like he is nothing because he has a father who's dropped out of his life and wouldn't even bother to send in a paper so he could have the opportunity, virutally tuition free.  I can be the best Mom in the world, but I can't make up for that.  All those other things are also completely under his control, and he's got no one, other than himself to give credit to for them.  No matter how much I love him, or coddle him, nothing will build his self esteem more than these things that are his reality, that he has pushed himself and worked hard to accomplish ON HIS OWN

He's got to go through the pain of it though, he's got to feel it, I can't make excuses for, or minimize his fathers' impact any more than I can get the bastard on the phone.  I am proud of him because at his young age, he's going through the process.  He's gone from romanticizing his father, to being disappointed when the mailbox was empty everyday for weeks after his birthday, even though Dad promised something was coming (poor man has the worst luck with the postal service...they lose almost every package he sends, can you believe that?!), then he was angry, and now he's realistic.  Embracing reality is the hardest part for anyone.  It's not easy because there's not really any comfort other than knowing it's real, no excuses to be made to minimize the pain, it is what it is.  Which isn't much comfort at all.  It's humbling.  He's made me promise not to "force" Dad to call.  Which, I haven't, although I can't say I don't threaten when I get the chance, or that I haven't sent him some nasty e-mails and texts regarding the way he's treating his children.  But, as always, I never discuss any of that with the kids anyway.  Even though his father doesn't listen to me either, letting him off the hook is not an option for me.  It's not like he was never in their lives, like we didn't make a choice to have the kids together.  I never knew dropping out of your kids' life was an option either.  Which is worse?  Never being there, or being there, irregardless of how engaged you are, and then not?  I'm not sure.  I had a Dad in my life my whole life, imperfect as he was, he loved me and drove me crazy simlutaneously.  He was there. 

So, with all my training and all that I know (even at age 18..lol) I don't know how to make this any less painful for him, and I would never want to impose my feelings of guilt and shame onto my son so that he feels like he's got to make me feel better, in addition to sorting it out himself.  The reality is, that my ex doesn't see what great kids he has.  That the kids don't get a father who, imperfect as he may be, is there.  And they probably never will, irregardless of how much my son excels in whatever area he excels in.  That's reality, that's pretty humbling, for us both.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Changing the discourse on immigrants, culture, race and ethnicity among family scholars | NCFR

http://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-report/changing-discourse-immigrants-culture-race-and-ethnicity-among-family-scholars

Great article exploring the root of perpetuating continued bias among minorities.  I think Dr. Gibbons is right on point with where the change needs start. Race and culture are important, but as they relate to each individuals' perception. To generalize and try to quantify data based on race alone, and then rope that into a specific culture is completely ignorant of the fact that each person interprets their culture and race in their own way.  Socio-economic status seems a better indicator of group mentality/perception (culture) than race. 

Most of those stereotypes are going stem from a select portion of a socio-economic group, irregardless of race, and they're just as bias as any other form of discrimination. The problem remains that these are accepted biases, accepted prejudices....being perpetuated, dangerously, in the same forum where we're also striving so hard to get rid of them....higher education.  It does make sense that this is the place to start, though I would say it has to trickle quickly down to primary education as well, where cultural education starts.  From a humanity perspective, race and culture are irrelevant, human rights are human rights, and we're all equal, and obviously we as a society have to look out for racisim and other mentalities that threaten those rights. But, how race and culture impact an individual, their family, and their community, and society as a whole all will vary irregardless depending on so many other factors.  Are they still important to consider?  Yes, but as it relates to the individual.  I loved the example in the article regarding story telling as a teaching tool, and the examples and the need for prequalifing minorities with their politically correct ethnic label: "Pedro is a latino who's parents are from south america", this introduction gives us a stereotypical slant which we are now imposing on Pedros experience.  This "moniker" doesn't give any true background if this is is his actual story: "Pedro is of Brazilian descent, but has a hard time relating to the hispanic culture, even though he is of "latin descent" since his parents were both educated professionals in Brazil, and he was born in the states raised in an affluent neighborhood, his portugese speaking parents are proud of their Brazilian heritage and are quick to clarify that they speak Portugese and English, not Spanish. Pedro prefers to be called Pete outside of his home, and since he has never visited Brazil himself, he respects his parents and their pride, but does not relate to his heritage in the same way, and he doesn't relate to the "latino" classification that people want to tag onto him, as he neither speaks spanish, nor has ever experienced his inherited Brazilian culture for himself."  It's obviously different, if you're talking about Pedro's perspective on something, important to consider.  If not, and it's just a story about an experience that Pedro had that had nothing to do with anything culturally specific, it's irrelevant.

It's so much easier to generalize, but doesn't help to breakdown stereotyping, which essentially exacerbates the problem.  If race/culture is going to be identified, there's much more to it than meets the eye, the thing is there ALWAYS is, for everyone.  We need to NOT put people in a box, let alone lumping whole races into one.  Until we see this practice as just as ignorant as the ideology behind racism itself, it's hard to make real progress.