Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Facebook Statuses: only the interesting stuff, please?!
I love people, don't get me wrong, I am the quintessential PEOPLE person...but can I tell you how many people I have had to hide in my 'news feed' on facebook? No, I actually can't. The range goes from people talking about how they just puked a moment ago to the very last detail of the recipe that they made for their husband. I make a kick ass chile verde (got it from my ex-mother in law, see, I can give credit where credit is due...I did get something other than greif from her!! LOL...) But do you see me bragging about it, no, well, mostly because no one even knows what I'm talking about. But also because no one cares. I actually would really rather NOT hear every detail, something funny, witty, cute, ironic...yes, I'm all ears, I'll even try to give you a clever comment. But no, I don't want to hear that you're about to go into the bathroom with a magazine. I don't want to hear about how cute your kid is...no one does, because either they don't have them and don't care, or they do have them and think theirs is cuter. If your kid says something funny or poignant, yes, that's okay. Do I want to hear about your sexlife...well, actually that is pretty salacious, and yes, I actually do, but still don't think it's status-worthy. Send me a message, I'd love to hear those details... If it involves something you do everyday of your life, and that everybody else does everyday of their life, or a bodily excretion, whether it's yours, your kids, whatever....STOP! It's annoying. Love being able to keep in touch with my peeps, but come on...use a little discretion please!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Divorce is a good thing
Judge Judy yells at women who complain about their ex's dereliction: "YOU PICKED HIM, MADAME!" Of course, she's right. I, like so many women (are we at a 50% divorce rate now?) made a choice. Here's where I should on myself. I should have known he was going to be worse than I ever thought. But I didn't. I have to ask, unless you give someone the benefit of the doubt, you'll never find out what they are capable of. Highs or lows. I hate all these arbitrary statements: "I'm trying to MAKE my marriage work." "I'm trying to SAVE my marriage." At the core of every relationship, despite the actual circumstances, is two people. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. All relationships, especially marriages need to have two people "in it" in order to "win it" (forgive the cheesy pun).
Marriages do take work. All of us to some degree, on some level are selfish. My problem in my significant relationships in my life? I'm an enabler. Which, seems like the opposite of selfish, putting myself last, whatever I need to do to make the "other" person happy, without any consideration of my own feelings. But that's not true, because what did I get out of it? The knowledge that I was a great wife? The knowledge that my husband couldn't say that I didn't do "________" for him, that I never required him to do something other than what HE really wanted to do? Patting myself on the back for "having tried everything" really is little comfort when you realize that completely martyring yourself in the name of marriage, really only got you feeling like crap constantly, fatter, and completely unappreciated. I can't imagine the feelings are that different than they are for the person who realizes he treated someone badly. I treated someonebadly too....myself, and him by extention because I enabled him to think it was okay to treat another person the way he treated me, and how can he feel good about himself when I'm allowing him to be that selfish ass that is all of our tendency? He, as a grown man, has a choice to step up or not, but still. An unhealthy dynamic is an unhealthy dynamic. I've seen this in plenty of relationships where the man is the enabler too.
However, I am tired of people shoulding on the women (or men) who've stepped up in a situation, with the comment that they "should have known" a guy/girl was going to be like this or that. He's his own person, life evolves, people change, relationships change, nor matter how well intentioned you were at the beginning. You go from euphoric "love", to understanding that you both have to accept some imperfections, and differences of opinion/personailty, to "relationships require a lot of work", to "when is this too much work?". To "I cannot stand to be with this person another second." It's an excruciating process. Sometimes things don't work out, no matter how hard one person tries to accept and adapt. Even if two people try to make it work sometimes it won't because, feelings just can't be forced. I could have changed myself completely to accomodate him, had he known what he wanted in the first place, but is that what relationships are about? Is that really HEALTHY? That would have required a lot of work, but to sacrifice your wants and needs for another adult? You grow with each other or you grow apart. That's why Divorce is a good thing.
When parents (or couples) are miserable I fully believe that being able to be yourself and not feel like you're living with someone who doesn't accept you for who you are, is so much better. All parents worth their salt know that parenthood involves sacrifice: Sacrifice time, sacrifice opportunities...for a time, because your family means more, and needs more, and it's fiscally feasible to do so. But to sacrifice so much that you have lost yourself, and you're not only shorting yourself, you are shorting your kids too. No kid wants a miserable parent. And you can't feel less than miserable being with someone who, for whatever reason, is not on the same page as you.
The problem is not divorce, it's that people don't really want to be honest with themselves, let alone each other. They stick with it for the kids. That's the same thing as "forcing" it for the kids. You put things on a shelf, pretty soon it's too much...the crap falls off, or the shelf breaks. They way you feel is as undeniable as can be. To repress that is never a good thing. Divorce rates climb not because it's a "sign of the deteriation of families" it's because people are realizing that it makes more sense to be happy by yourself, with or without kids (but especially with) than miserable with someone your feelings have changed for, for WHATEVER reason. Of course it's hard, of course you get bitter and resentful, but then, if you allow yourself to accept reality, you grow from it and learn from it, and are happier for it.
Change is hard. But it's warranted, and is healthy. So is divorce.
Marriages do take work. All of us to some degree, on some level are selfish. My problem in my significant relationships in my life? I'm an enabler. Which, seems like the opposite of selfish, putting myself last, whatever I need to do to make the "other" person happy, without any consideration of my own feelings. But that's not true, because what did I get out of it? The knowledge that I was a great wife? The knowledge that my husband couldn't say that I didn't do "________" for him, that I never required him to do something other than what HE really wanted to do? Patting myself on the back for "having tried everything" really is little comfort when you realize that completely martyring yourself in the name of marriage, really only got you feeling like crap constantly, fatter, and completely unappreciated. I can't imagine the feelings are that different than they are for the person who realizes he treated someone badly. I treated someonebadly too....myself, and him by extention because I enabled him to think it was okay to treat another person the way he treated me, and how can he feel good about himself when I'm allowing him to be that selfish ass that is all of our tendency? He, as a grown man, has a choice to step up or not, but still. An unhealthy dynamic is an unhealthy dynamic. I've seen this in plenty of relationships where the man is the enabler too.
However, I am tired of people shoulding on the women (or men) who've stepped up in a situation, with the comment that they "should have known" a guy/girl was going to be like this or that. He's his own person, life evolves, people change, relationships change, nor matter how well intentioned you were at the beginning. You go from euphoric "love", to understanding that you both have to accept some imperfections, and differences of opinion/personailty, to "relationships require a lot of work", to "when is this too much work?". To "I cannot stand to be with this person another second." It's an excruciating process. Sometimes things don't work out, no matter how hard one person tries to accept and adapt. Even if two people try to make it work sometimes it won't because, feelings just can't be forced. I could have changed myself completely to accomodate him, had he known what he wanted in the first place, but is that what relationships are about? Is that really HEALTHY? That would have required a lot of work, but to sacrifice your wants and needs for another adult? You grow with each other or you grow apart. That's why Divorce is a good thing.
When parents (or couples) are miserable I fully believe that being able to be yourself and not feel like you're living with someone who doesn't accept you for who you are, is so much better. All parents worth their salt know that parenthood involves sacrifice: Sacrifice time, sacrifice opportunities...for a time, because your family means more, and needs more, and it's fiscally feasible to do so. But to sacrifice so much that you have lost yourself, and you're not only shorting yourself, you are shorting your kids too. No kid wants a miserable parent. And you can't feel less than miserable being with someone who, for whatever reason, is not on the same page as you.
The problem is not divorce, it's that people don't really want to be honest with themselves, let alone each other. They stick with it for the kids. That's the same thing as "forcing" it for the kids. You put things on a shelf, pretty soon it's too much...the crap falls off, or the shelf breaks. They way you feel is as undeniable as can be. To repress that is never a good thing. Divorce rates climb not because it's a "sign of the deteriation of families" it's because people are realizing that it makes more sense to be happy by yourself, with or without kids (but especially with) than miserable with someone your feelings have changed for, for WHATEVER reason. Of course it's hard, of course you get bitter and resentful, but then, if you allow yourself to accept reality, you grow from it and learn from it, and are happier for it.
Change is hard. But it's warranted, and is healthy. So is divorce.
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